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17/5 THE CHANGE

 I felt it today, the change!


I am happy and I want to retain it in this blogpost. For the future me whose possible anxiety or despair ridden may need. But I hold it now for as long as I can.


People see things differently, everyone does.

I'll be honest and true about the situation. About what happened. When I was in a call with ----, I had a conversation with him about something I had been curious about for weeks. That maybe guys have this hierarchical manner in which they hold with people they are attracted to. They go from below to above to satisfy their needs. I question this point of view with resentments. Then ---- replied with his answer of how he sees girls do this. With other keywords like exposure, motives and purpose. He also replied that how he has the goal of finding a wife. With all these in mind, I thought about how I used to think that this does not answer my question. Then, I realized that - Holy shit, we are confined within our skulls. This purpose, this goal, the needs, the wants. Maybe there is some truth to that some groups make certain patterns. However, I see this now without the weight of morality but more of the experience of being human.

I was also made aware of my friend who had a deep connection with her friend. A deep close bond to which made her feel all types of anxiety and types of happiness. I had felt vicariously about how beautiful that was and that complexity is what makes us, us. 

Therefore, with all of this in mind;

I think to myself (I know this may be sudden because I did not write down streamlining all my thoughts process) that it is not about me.


But! It is not that it is not about me in a way that I should self sacrifice myself resentfully. But that I should take care of myself for the sake of other people. 

A smart person would think of this a long time ago but I realize that I am not that person but however the case, the person I am now is someone I am grateful for.

I realize the change in other people when they are good, they are people who have somehow taken this notion as well. 

Another notion I was made aware of is principle of honesty. This is somehow like a tool for the taking care of self for the sake of other people. I think in this way, resentment will dissipate and love will prevail.

People are finding their peace of mind, and like to convert the scum that is pity to the compassion of empathy. 

Therefore, tomorrow I will take care of myself and the days after without the hatred (too much) of people. And in the case of anger or hatred, I should go back to this post and understand that this framework I've had for months or years or weeks can be settled down in an easier manner. 


I have so much to be grateful for, and I will end the post now for that sake. 


Sincerely, sarah who feels lovely

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