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God help me


I am always trying to reach myself, trying to make sense of things because I know I am not smart. Why am I constantly reaching for my desires that at the same time I do not desire? I feel like I am locked within things that destroy me and ruin me and does not let me know what is the greater good, that fulfills the good too rather than excuse it. The people that loves their ego into non-stop fear fulfilling life of survival, non-stop survival. 

Right now I am inside my room and I am good. I have good music, and my health is at a soothe with a 7% menthol candy I suck. I had just taken a shower and my bed is at the coziest relationship with my skin. My relationships of myself and others denies itself of my desires are so far-fetched. I am delusional for thinking what is good. For thinking inputting good into people is good. I mean, I am not all holy. Even for action like murder, I think telling people to not murder or cause pain does not make me good. That's what I mean. I've given up in that sense. In trying to pretend that good is there. Again, I am not good. Because, everyone, everything is an irk of a system trying to design their ego, their self, into something smarter, better, worthier, nicer. What about you shameful? Most people are shameful and not guilty. You are only bad if they think you're bad. Good morning, judgement day. I awaited you. To tell me that right now I am judging humanity as a whole, and that I can't ever let go of that, and that I am ultimately scared that I am the worst person existed, regardless whether people know that or not. I know that God knows me more than I do myself. I do not know my intentions these days. These days is a measure of a couple of years. I don't know the intentions of my intentions. Or, is that I am shameful. Maybe, it's not people, it's just me. I am all the sins all of you are, no matter how real those pains are, like the pain you stab unto people with a real knife, the pain of crass words, I am sinful for too, the pain of violence, those all of those are mine, conceptually they are. All the sins you are is mine. I hope God forgives me. 

I am sorry, all the people that I've met. I am sorry that I am tired of it all, but I have no basis to. I am sorry that I am scared for all of you and at the same time of you. I am sorry mom and dad, that I am this soul you got attached to by fate. That I am a person of contradiction, and what God hates most are hypocrites. That I am not excelling your utopia, mom and dad. That I violent you into no proud-ness. I am sorry my family, my siblings for the way I can't connect with you the way you wish you'd find a caring friend. I am sorry my nieces, for the way I can't raise you the way I can just erase all the bad. I wish I can erase all the bad there is in the world my nieces. I fear for you so much. I fear for you. and I'm too selfish to try and disillusioned but that's an excuse but no one would think that of me. But why would I want them to think that way? But I just want them to be safe and happy. But safe isn't what the world has ever provided. It has never. It's a full-time richest magician that tricks you that a person who smiles is a person who is safe. Sometimes I blame time. Sometimes I blame design. I am sorry for myself.

I am sorry that I just want time for myself all the time. I don't want to be a part of anything, and that ruins everything. I just am selfish.

I'm sorry God.

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