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12-2

Dear diary,

It pains me to say this but I have been doing things that once again makes me an evil person. 

There is this one person who I had a chance with, but I went through with a push and pull motion (so did this person).

Now, I am just a memory shell he wants to keep, that heats him up every once in a while. He thinks I do not know that he is actively seeing somebody else, but I know. Though he did tell me but I swear that it's so much more than what he say it is.

Ever since he met me, he redefined what a relationship is. He used to define all the things we do as more-than-friends things but now... he does not even think twice. I feel so off and tired and guilty for affecting this. I think I did. I don't think he has officiated the title girlfriend and boyfriend with her. Therefore, I could still be here, wondering, and waiting, just to feed on the crumbs of his sickly sweet words. 

I feel uncomfortable. But the thing is, I intentionally want to keep him close. I pretend as if I want this. The ---. The whole pretending makes me lonely. I don't want the ---. I want what we had and that I wanted to retry. I think even if I did retry we would still not be together. But I know certainty is never the case, I just really wanted to believe and try for the 1% or any slight chance that we would be okay, and consistent. I am tired and guilty.

I hate the post-modern scene. The whole redefining of what makes two people important to each other. I feel so lonely. I feel so lonely. 

I ruin other people just to keep him. Especially those who love me. I need to prioritize. Maybe deliberacy is one thing but, priority is something more. 

I keep telling myself that I am an evil person, but I make evil decisions and I can make good decisions. 

I will prioritize better from tomorrow on. 

Mahmoud Darwish said that you can never find the same person twice not even in the same person.


I am so sorry and I am so tired.

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