Pers

this is so stupid, stupidly said i'm selfish, easily said just accept it like i cant be you fucking gone girl monologue im stupid, easily said ill make a mistake again go find another God obviously has a way with you You gotta make use you're so dumb for not knowing how I make a mistake again and it'll pass and I'll forget but I won't this time Let it run and necrotize  GOD FUCKING DAMNIT I HATE IT ALL WHAT THE FUCK OKAY I CAN'T PRETEND LIKE

       I have been talking about needing a new set of perspective because something has been making me uncomfortable for the past few days. I am right now at a second skin, dry-painting humidity, place of a cafeteria, dead-center, with spitting mouths that anti-thermalizes and reverberates in icky sharpness of sound all around. I can't remember anything, but I remember that shoe-mark on my heart, the discomfort that struck. So I know that I would have needed the new set of perspective, because insofar, even if that leg does not burden me with the weight now, it was, and that before this perspective, if I don't find the negation of such, I will forever leave this mark on my heart, to treat it such.      My discomfort formed from something similar I had a problem with before. To which I negated by leaving the scene. I don't think I have to face this head on again, but I knew, I just knew that is just somehow a fact of life. At least in a solipsistic way....

 The deepening need to leave I planned last time to do it before my sister's wedding but I failed. And now I am planning again. Here's the thing, it is not about people, nor it is about me but its about

 my mother and my father does not like me. I know so. and I build that to be so. My mother does not like me. I cannot talk with her like her coworkers can. Flowing from one to another in topic reprehend, relevant, i think we are faking silences for social butters. My mother does not like me. I am unalike. My father does not like me. I am disturbing, of good and bad, the morals kill me to not know where to put. I am crying, like a crocodile as much as he believes it. My goodness, where is it?  I do not like me. I like me when they like me. Good god what happened to me? where should I go? And not crazy. My brother does not like me. Trying so hard. Helping so much. It was never his fault. It was never. There is despite the flaws. fuck this self pity. Kill me now. But they dont like me. How do I change? I am sick Though so sick. <my sisters does not like me. I can't be anything but my bed. To be making my bed and to sleep on. I am nothing but my bed. Activities galore.  I ...

 Okay so I am sick. And I feel my brain a little deteriorative. I have a yearning for projects and activities. I have a penchant to be not who I am at present bodily state. Does the body rule the mind? or the mind rule the body? my moratorium state tells me to deny myself, be who I should if the circumstance is not. I am going crazy. The projects I can't think of, and that affections I use to give to my love is not as regarded or well-made, I am indebted.  This is not me. I do not like being this. Sick. i am not even sickly sweet. I am sick like rot. I am rotting sickness. Griming death. Edging, teasing, climaxing faking death. I am of sullen mortem, a virtual rottingness. Fuck this shit I am not this shit.

 Dear baby I just said something wrong that I regret. I would not say that in that way. I fucking love you okay. But I know this'll pass. But I fucking hate that I said that. Sleep well baby. <3